I’m a Five

I’m a five.   I’m definitely a five.   And it’s kind of painful.   I thought I was a 9 which I really loved.   I want to be a peacemaker.   And I am definitely an avoider of conflict.   But I am private, introspective, curious, and quiet.  I spend a great deal of time thinking, studying, and preparing to do.   I want to be capable and competent.

I just finished reading (for the first time) the book “The Sacred Enneagram” by Christopher Huertz.   I am forever transformed.    The book is brilliant in defining each type and various components of how we relate and retreat.   The second part of the book connects our type to specific challenges to encounter God through contemplative practices.    This is the part I am just embarking on and I already know it will be quite challenging.

CONSENT TO SILENCE

My mind is never quiet.   And sitting in quiet where I choose to turn off the noise in my brain seems not only impossible, but also willfully giving up control.   Yes, God is on control, not me.   But willfully choosing quiet seems self-destructive, scattered, impulsive and nonproductive.   Why would I choose to be nonproductive?

Less of me, and more of Him.   I am not in control.   If Jesus is to shine in and through me it is because Jesus is in control and using His voice through me. 

I have talked before about how Philippians 4:6-7 seemed impossible to me.

Philippians 4:6-7 New Living Translation (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Until somehow it didn’t.   I could at least TRY.   And peace has come to me.  Not from anything I have done, except for a willingness to try and pray.   Thank you Jesus.

And now, I see my new challenge.

Romans 12:2 New International Version (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I need to stop.    Just stop.   Stop searching for my own answers.  Stop my willful desire to be in charge and find my own solutions.   It feels burdensome and overwhelming.

This is my prayer.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord    and you know me.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

 

and this……

Isaiah 55 New International Version (NIV)

Invitation to the Thirsty

55 “Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;

…. Give ear and come to me;
    listen, that you may live.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;

……This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

Thanks be to God.

And for more clarity about the HOPE that I see as I grow in my faith and understanding, I am grateful for the words and music of sleeping at last that has artfully communicated the enneagram 5 in music form.  Only after reflection in the scripture do I see the beauty of surrender and consent.

And now I want to generously lose
This energy that I’ve been hanging onto so desperately
I finally feel the universe expand—
It’s hidden in heartbeats, exhales
And in the hope of open hands

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