Today I was able to experience some Advent meditation time at various stations in the style of Catechesis (a Montessori type Christian education program).    Soft music played, lights were strong enough to read, but dimmed.    Many stations had you light your own candle.       At each station, we read various sections of the Christmas story, or the prophecy of Jesus.   

Here are some of my reflections:

• The wise men had to TRUST as they followed that star.    Do I have that Trust in God?
• The Christmas story has a theme of humility and poverty.   We try to avoid these things.    How can we embrace where we are?
• God will bring the LIGHT and bring us out of darkness.
• When Mary was with Elizabeth her heart “leapt for joy”.    What makes your heart leap with joy?
• What about me makes people call me Blessed?
• Bethlehem means House of Bread.    Here, with Jesus, God nourished us.  
• God has nourished me by giving me a mind and body to feel Him, know Him, love Him and serve Him.
• NOTHING is impossible with God.   
• Lord, let me offer all that I am for the mercy of your plan just like you did for Mary. 
• What is the treasure in your heart?
• Seek, and ye shall find.
• Emmanuel…..God with us.     God, dwell in me.   

Friday, December 22, 2006 5:36 AM CST

Last night in the hospital. Transfusions are all over. Two down, eight to go. Now I just have to wait to feel better. Before that happens, it’s just one more sleepless night in the hospital… what is this doing to my brain?

I’ve been called a lot of things since I started treatment. “Hero” “Awesome” “an Inspiration” “Impressive”. Everyone knows I have a huge pain tolerance. I just don’t like to complain. I’m not going to lie though–it’s hard being sick all the time. All I want to do is go back to work, go to school, have a normal life. That seems so distant now. So why didn’t I get a normal life? Why did I have to be a “hero”? Always wonder just what it is that I’m doing that makes me a hero anyway. Just because I’m bearing all the pain? Or is it because I keep surviving? I don’t think anyone enters the battlefield assuming they are going to be the one still standing at the end of the day. And what about all my fallen comrades? Does anyone know how guilty it can make you feel?

Cancer doesn’t just mess with your health–it changes your whole mindset. Suddenly all the goals and ambitions of everyone living out the “American Dream” seem so pointless because this close to the edge, you know exactly how much good it’s going to do you once you are gone. You can’t help but want them, like everyone else does–that’s what society trains you to think. But what I really want is something that will not go away no matter what. I can’t describe how much it helps me to know that so many people care about me and pray for me. It’s something I think about all the time. Human relations are so much more valuable than anything material.

Cancer can do two things to you: make you stronger or make you insane. I believe I’ve tasted both. But if God did this for a purpose, it’s going to be pointless if I don’t figure out a way to make the experience useful. I can tell you it has already made me a more compassionate person. It means so much to be able to help someone out–to give back for everything that’s been given to me. Even the little things that mean so much… like having a good friend to talk to late at night when you really needed it. It’s not that hard to completely brighten someone’s day.

Thanks for reading this, and pray that I get more chances to help others, because that’s what I really want.
~Erik

Lord, be with Erik’s friends and family who are mourning this loss.  Comfort them with the joy of having known your servant that understood what really matters.  Help them to be strengthened by his words and guided to live more courageously because of having known Erik.    Lord, in your mercy…….Amen

I have read so much from others about how they hope 2010 is much better than 2009.    Everyone wants better finances or better luck or better health.    With a brand new year, it’s easy to get caught up in the hype and hope that the past will be washed away and the slate will be clean.

I was beginning to wonder if I had already ruined my new start.    While the new year started quietly, I quickly got caught up in the back to schedule rush.   Kids went back to school after break only to get ready for mid terms exams.   Crazy.    Our daily schedule was starting to fill up with a meeting here and pick up early there.    Then the snow and ice came in and we were suddenly sent home to hunker down.     With freezing temps, we had a little snow and a lot of ice.   When I took the dog out for a walk, I slipped in the ice.   I was stunned, but fine.   My thumb nail broke my fall, and I only bruised my left elbow/forearm.    I got back up and continued my walk in the grass, off the icy road.     On the way back, I had to cross over a driveway and knew that the area was icy so I tried to walk careful.   Careful or not, I slipped again and this time bruised my right elbow/forearm.  Ouch.   I’m beginning not to like icy weather.     As if this contact with ice were not enough, I decided to run errands on Saturday, and learned that the ice was still bad in our subdivision and in fact, one solid sheet of ice would send me spinning and crashing into a brick mailbox.    Again, I was fine, but my car, not so much.     Insurance will cover the mailbox and car, except for $1000 deductible.       I’m fine physically, just mad at myself for letting it happen.

So far 2010 has been pretty crappy.    Have I blown the year and the century already?  Maybe I’ve gotten all my bad luck out of the way.   Well I don’t beleive in mystical karma.  I beleive that sometimes life gives you lemons.   I’m still incredibly blessed.  I’m lucky to have a house to stay warm in, a dog to walk, and a car to drive.    I have more comforts than many people in the world will ever know.    Will I count my blessings, or wallow in pity.

Today someone sent me a great e-mail that really helped give me perspective.

Top Ten Predictions For 2010

1.  The Bible will still have all the answers you need.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.

God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind.
Sometimes when you don’t have time to listen,
He has to throw a brick at you.
It’s your choice:
Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

Thanks, God.   I got the brick and the point is not lost on me.    I love you too!

exercise more and eat less

save more and spend less

pray more and worry less

I want to build my own small home from recycled material and grow my own garden.    Seriously.    And I don’t have an ounce of carpentry skills or a green thumb.    How in the world can I even consider this cock-eyed dream a possibility?   Is it just some way to occupy my feeble brain with dreaming, but never accomplishing?  

I don’t think so.    I’m in the early stages of gathering ideas, making plans, and researching.   My motivation is to get started before I get to old and decrepid. 

And in all of my mess, may God be glorified.

“Pray for my adolescent son pushing limits & being a lttle too girl crazy..crazy being the operative word!”

Lord knows I need all the help I can get with this kid.    He’s the middle of my 3….but the most impulsive and strong willed.    Add those characteristics with adolescent teenager and you have the recipe for a daily roller coaster of emotions, bursting hormones,  and general craziness.

Hubby an d I talked a little about what might need to happen.    If necessary we will all go without computers and cell phones and television.    But these are just tools that can be used for time wasting and frivolity as well as productivity and entertainment.   We really need to work on the root causes of things that take our focus off of discipleship.     We need to model living a balanced life so our children can see that there is a time and place for everything.     There are no quick fixes are there?

Today God sent me a few good messages that helped me understand this.

“Without patience, we can’t truly learn from the lessons life throws at us; we’re unable to mature.”

—M.J. Ryan

You can’t rush life lessons.  It takes time to learn.  It takes some of us a longer time to learn lessons.   I also took great comfort in more words of wisdom about patience:

“Since patience or tolerance comes from a certain ability to remain firm and steadfast, to not be overwhelmed by the adverse situations or conditions that one faces, one should not see tolerance or patience as a sign of weakness, but rather as a sign of strength coming from a deep ability to remain steadfast and firm.”

—The Dalai Lama

Patience is a good thing.   And it is a sign of strength.

What great material for me to share with my son who is engaging in activities that he’s not ready for.     He needs to learn patience, and I need to practice patience in allowing him time to learn.

Patience is a spiritual practice.   While “hurry up and wait” is our secular mantra, people of faith learn to understand the term “God’s timing.”      When we learn to practice patience, we will be blessed with God’s grace.    Isn’t self-control a fruit of the spirit?   It may not be one of our natural blessings, but with patience and prayer, it may become one of our many gifts from God.

I could argue that puberty doesn’t wait on anyone.  But I’ll leave that in God’s hands.

Lord, help me with this child.  I trust in you to give me the tools I need at the right time to keep fighting demons.  I’ll work on patience to see me through this latter half of child-rearing.    Lord, in your mercy…….

Quotes were found from e-mail newsletter “Your Daybook” from Faithstreams.com

Yesterday, I went to the farmers market, the library, a used bookstore, the $1 movie, and Saturday evening church worship.    It was a day all alone and I relished it, and am doing my best to squelch the quilt of abandoning my family and household duties.

It’s a continual cycle of getting burned out, trying to recover, trying not to feel guilty about needing to recover, and keeping on task with all my roles as wife, mother, employee, and child.

There is a reason why God rested on the seventh day.   And the Bible doesn’t say anything about God feeling guilty about it either.

The movie I saw was “The Soloist” starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Jamie Foxx.    What an awesome story about grace.  About loving your neighbor….warts and all.     What a great reminder lesson on my day of renewal.

Today, Pastor Ken’s message at Crossroads UM was about God being transparent.   God let’s us cleraly know how he wants us to live.   It’s something like how Steve Lopez is to Nathaniel Ayers in “The Soloist.”

Thank you God, for my day of renewal.   You tied in today’s message quite nicely and it will ring true with me for quite some time, I’m sure.

I’m in a small group at work where we are studing “Defining Moments” by Andy Stanley.   He is such a good teacher.    We’ve also started a small group at my church with couples around our age and kids.   In that group we have been studying Take Out:  Finding peace for busy families on the go.    Boy was that meant for me!

I’ve certainly been given a lot to reflect on and it’s not easy stuff.    Top that with my avoidance and procrastination tendencies, and you get a big stall.  

I also watched a Precept Bible Study with Kay Arthur.    I LOVE having Skyangel!  The study was on Philippians 4….the part about:

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

What a great study.  I am looking into Bible study options.   I would love to continue DISCIPLE (I have taken Disciple 1), but I wouldn’t mind looking at Precept options.   This is good stuff!

For those of us who tend to wallow in worry, we really need to stop it.   I mean Christians who worry are just oxymorons.  I’m still melding about how a mother with teenagers (and some with raging hormones!) really learns to give their worry and concerns to God.     But I am committed that I will learn how.    And this Philippians verse tells us how.     Love the version from The Message:   

^6-7Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

I could chew on this scripture for the rest of my life.  In fact, I think I will.

I wanted to know what has happened since her fame explosion, and see what others were saying.    What we all can learn and need to reflect upon is exactly what The Rev. James Martin, a Jesuit Priest says:

“The way we see Susan Boyle is very nearly the way God sees us: worthwhile, special, talented, unique, beautiful. The world generally looks askance at people like Susan Boyle, if it sees them at all. Without classic good looks, without work, without a spouse, living in a small town, people like Susan Boyle may not seem particularly ‘important.’ But God sees the real person, and understands the value of each individual’s gifts: rich or poor, young or old, single or married, matron or movie star, lucky or unlucky in life. God knows us. And loves us. ‘Everybody is somebody’ said Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan at his installation Mass in New York City yesterday. That’s another reason why the judges smile and the audience explodes in applause. Because they recognized a basic truth planted deep within them by God: Susan Boyle is somebody. Everybody is somebody”.

From Why does video of Susan Boyle move us?

If we as Christians don’t know this, we need to do some work to be able to try to wrap our brains around this.  And then we need to live our lives like we believe it, and help others learn about God’s love for them.    It’s as basic as that Children’s hymn “Jesus loves the little children.”

It’s true.    If we lived like we believed we were precious….not priviledged, not entitled, ….just loved.    How would we then live?

This is important stuff.    We need to take notice.

My mornings are crazy.   Not only do I have to get myself up and ready, I have three kids going to three different schools to get ready.     Hubby has already left for work at 5:45.  And some of my children are NOT morning people.    I’ve chosen to give them as little time as possible for fighting and piddling, so from the minute I wake them at 6:30 it’s rush, rush, rush to get out the door.     I usually take middle child to school for morning intramurals, but on Tuesday I had to take all three to school.    My oldest had to be at school early and I can’t leave the youngest to catch the bus on his own.     I pass the Elementary school first, but I can’t drop off before 7:30 so I have to drive up to the middle school and then high school, then back down to the elementary school.   After three drop offs it’s time to begin my commute to work…whew!    So I decided to stop at the Quick Trip for a morning treat.     I didn’t have a lot of cash, so after I got my drink, I counted my change to make sure I had enough.     I shoveled past other busy people and got in line.    When I got up to the counter, the clerk told me the guy in front of me paid for mine.    I glanced toward the exit and the man waved and walked out.      At first I was a little nervous.   Was he expecting anything from this gift?    Did he intend to persue a conversation or even a relationship?   I was in a hurry!     But I did need to say thank you.  I hurried out the door and called after him “THANK YOU!”    The man said “you’re welcome,” and told me that last week a lady in front of him paid his bill and when  he thanked her she just said the only thanks was to pass it on.    I told him I appreciated it and to have a nice day.   He got in his car and left.

The bill he paid was about $2, but the intent was priceless.      I wonder if he paid my bill because I was counting my change, or if he just decided today was the day before he came in.       Was he helping me because I looked needy?  An instant of pride made me want to run back in and pay my own bill.   And then I felt and understood all about receiving and accepting an underserving gift.

We have all been offered an gift we do not deserve.    Regardless of whether we knew we needed it or not, a sacrifice was made on our behalf.     It’s appropriate that right after Easter, I have been given such a touching example of receiving an undeserved gift.

Easter is not just a celebration of an event that happened 2000 years ago.   In 2009 we celebrate that God loves each of us so much.     Each day we celebrate that Jesus decided to pay it forward on our behalf so that our sins are forgiven.     All that he asks is that in return, we love one another.

A simple, kind act can make a world of difference.     It all comes full circle again.    Watch this:   lyric video of Israel Houghton’s”Power of One.”

But instead of trying to find my spot in the best to worst line of faithfulness, I’m learning that God gives us opportunity to overcome our weaknesses. God will use us right where we are.   We could deny God today, and He will use us for His glory tomorrow.    He KNOWS my weaknesses, my failures, and yet he STILL makes use of me.    If I wallow in apathy, I miss the opportunity to be used by God.  

I really feel convicted by that.   My daughters’ best friend is moving to South Carolina.   She is so bummed and feels like she is losing her friend.   They are moving back to be closer to family.    The mother told me that she is concerned about health and financial issues and doesn’t want to be “out here alone.”     She said “I can ask family for help when I can’t ask other people.”      I have not made myself available.    Most times I feel like I can barely take care of myself and my own family.     Why is it that I get so protective and seem unwilling to help others in need?    Why can’t I be a part of community that helps each other out?   Do we have to be blood related before we lend a hand? Don’t I trust that my church family would help me out if I needed it?     If so, then I need to help out more.   

I can make an extra casserole and make it available when someone needs it.    I can pick up something for someone who is homebound or recuperating.    I can lift up people in prayer during a rough time.     There is plenty I can DO, that God will allow me to DO if I am willing.   

The Bible tells us stories of people who failed to trust in God, and yet God continued to persue them.   He continues to persue us.

Your servant is listening.  Speak Lord to my soul.